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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Self realizations

I realized on my drive into work today that I’m not living who I am, or rather who I’ve become. I’m still in that bizarre limbo of rediscovering who I was before I was married and who I’ve become with the growth I’ve had since.

Just the fact that I was driving 25 miles one way, essentially using an entire gallon of gas to get to work and another to get back home, goes completely against my belief in conservation. The fact that I’ve been wasting that quantity of gasoline for almost 7 years when oil as a resource is dwindling is so irresponsible it’s shocking. Moving this spring will help with that considerably, but how I felt that sort of gluttony was acceptable for so long is beyond me. How did I let myself get so far away from who I am and what I believe to have allowed that to happen? I suppose that I can really only look forward. There’s not much that I can do to repair that damage, but it irks me that I let it go on for so long.

I’ve also just got too much stuff. Stuff I don’t want or need, but have accumulated over the years. I was raised that if one is good 6 are better, but I really don’t think that it’s MY philosophy. I think it has been imposed upon me over the past 38 years and so drilled into my head that I’ve just ended up with this amazing surplus of stuff, and a reticence to eliminate it for fear that it’s something that I’ll need later. The fact that I’m overwhelmed every time that I walk into my apartment really is a clear indication to me that it’s time to purge the excess and start over. Or rather, not start that pattern again at all. Besides, the less stuff there is, the less stuff there is to clean and with the way I feel about cleaning, it can’t be anything but a good thing.

I am an exceptionally social person, yet for years I’ve isolated myself 25 miles away from any kind of culture, people and activities. I’ve stopped doing any volunteer work, I rarely go to coffee shops or events, I have one really good friend locally, and two other people that I could go out with providing we did a lot of arranging beforehand. I used to be out every night doing something or other. I was surrounded by people, always doing something on the weekends, now I drive to town, drive back and sit on the computer. I wouldn’t trade the friendships that I’ve made online for anything, but for me to not have a social circle to experience life with is just so completely not like me it’s almost laughable. I do recognize that I was searching for this connection again with my online interactions, I’ve established a great network of friends around the world and I’ve worked with people at Quitnet.com for over 2 years. Getting to meet some of these folks in person has really been wonderful, but they aren’t here. They’re not people that I can call up and say “let’s go grab a coffee” or see a flick or check out who is playing where that night. I’m hoping that moving back up into “civilization” will help remedy a lot of this void. The drive really makes it hard to do a lot of things, and if I’m in town I hope I’ll get out more and start living life instead of just watching it go by on the monitor.

I haven’t been on a stage in more years than I can count. Or in a classroom. It’s like I just died creatively. I did start writing again, but I haven’t picked that back up in almost a year.

And HOW I got into a purely number crunching job is just beyond me. It was a logical move at the time, but to still be here 4½ years later? When I was working with vendors and handling product I was completely in my element. It’s as if my “settle for” way of life in my marriage spilled over into every aspect of my life, and once I started breaking out of that I couldn’t accept it in any aspect of my life any longer. Applying for the 2 positions that I did was a big step, and I don’t think when I applied that I realized just how much I needed to take on a different role. I just hope that I’m not setting myself up for disappointment again.

A lot of this seems to center around moving back up to town. I don’t want these things to become another “I’ll do it when …” scenarios. Although, I’m absolutely moving, and there is a ton of prep to do before I can move, starting with the “Stuff” category. The more I pitch/donate/recycle the less I own and the less that I have to ultimately move. That’s probably the first step that I need to take, and I’ve planned out a lot of what I want to do to that end. Now it’s going though the motions and getting the work done. Once things are broken down into manageable bits, hopefully I won’t feel so overwhelmed about trying to get everything done at once looking at the whole, as opposed to the parts. I have plans to do some things with friends over the next couple of months, and I did apply for those jobs, so I suppose that I was already moving towards remedying a lot of what my concerns seem to be without having actually articulated them. I think I’ll be able to focus on reclaiming those traits that are mine now that I’ve taken the time to really identify them.

Now if I could just finish writing that book …


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Cafe Cats at 3:20 PM 1 comments

1 Comments:

Well it's about time you came out of that cave and enjoyed the sunshine!!

By Blogger John, at 1/09/2007 4:32 PM  

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